Awkward…
I had some friends tell me recently of their niece who recently learned the word awkward. It is really hilarious the different instances that she has used this word. What is really interesting is how we are conditioned as children to think certain things/feelings/situations are awkward. We begin to build these ideas around how to act and live amongst each other. Certain things are ok to discuss and share and certain things aren’t.
I have been thinking about this today after reading out of a book called “Prophetic Imagination” by Walter Brueggemann. He points out that, “The royal consciousness leads people to numbness, especially to numbness about death. It is the task of prophetic ministry and imagination to bring people to engage their experience of suffering to death.”
In some ways I feel like I have played this role in the community I have been called to serve at. It has been an extremely awkward role for me to be honest. I have jokingly referred to myself as the “party killer’, as in just invite me to any party and people will inquire about my story and will soon be looking for the exits! However, I think my presence has forced people to come to grips with the idea of suffering and death.
Brueggemann goes on to discuss the idea that the ability to grieve is a chief defense of the gospel against the evil. Our ability to grieve (to properly respond to the actual state of things) is what awakens our hearts and our songs of lament join with God’s, it is what gives us the ability to imagine another way. I know it’s awkward. I’ve spent the last two years of my life trying to grieve well. It’s extremely awkward. The problem is that awkwardness isn’t the enemy, numbness is, and think about what the inability to overcome awkwardness has caused us.
How many times have I allowed the feeling of awkwardness to block my ability to enter into someone’s pain? How many times have I avoided doing the difficult work of discipleship because of the awkwardness of confession? How many times have I allowed relationships to slip through my fingers due to the awkwardness of confrontation? How many times have I not reached out to someone due to the awkwardness of class/race/sexual orientation?
What if we began to teach our children a “Way” that awkward was completely turned upside down? What if it became awkward to hide? What if it became awkward to be silent in the midst of oppression? What if it became awkward to be the one not shedding tears over the plight of an orphan? What if it became awkward to live in bitterness and unforgiveness? What if it became awkward to be angry? What if it became awkward to live lives of accumulation? What if it became awkward to live in isolation and not allow others into our pain? What if it became awkward to do ANYTHING other than radically obey Jesus?
Today I had a redemptive, awkward, confessional conversation with a friend. Tonight I came home and looked at pictures of my truck that was destroyed in the accident that claimed my wife’s life and read the raw thoughts that were pouring from the deepest, darkest parts of me. I am thankful that God hasn’t allowed me to become numb, I may be in pain but I am more alive than I have ever been.
Life is awkward one way or the other. I am praying that my community would choose the second kind of awkward.
“The dominant history of that period, like the dominant history of our own time, consists in briefcases and limousines and press conferences and quotas and new weaponry systems. And that is not a place where much dancing happens and where no groaning is permitted.”
